So, I just had a coaching call today. And I was fired up! I had a practice session with my sister, so we could practice a little bit and get started moving forward.
I had also signed up for a group online where I could practice coaching and getting used to the program. Little did I know that while my coach was praising me for the achievements I'd made in the last two weeks, she would ask me now to expand my coaching practice. "You want me to post about this on facebook?!?" heheheh... I don't know about that.
A little background: As a kid growing up I had a bit of trouble making friends, partially due to the fact I attended 5 schools between 5th and 8th grade, partially because we moved from my hometown of Ann Arbor, Michigan to the wild west of Texas, but mostly because I was pretty quiet. I got beat up a few times. around the time I entered high school I got a hold of the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Of course this was a revolutionary title, and from that moment on I decided I would do whatever it took to win friends, and influence people to a point. This became the armor that allowed me to grow as a social human being. Working to say the right things, wear the right clothes, find the right people etc. I was so scared at times to be myself that I created what I thought was the perfect persona. Even more than that, I wished to hide anything that would take away from that. This mindset caused me to sometimes eschew what I wanted personally for what I thought would "look good" to people around me. It became a obsession, one that partially hasn't changed over a decade. (I'm just coming to terms with this right now)
So for my coach to ask me to post something that I cared about on line, basically to say that I was starting a personal coaching and development practice made me feel like she was asking me to take a trip to Mordor and casually take a dip in the flaming hot magma of Mt. Doom. It scared the shit outta me.
One, I really don't like asking for things that I want to build on my own, and two, I couldn't tell my friends about this could I? I don't feel ready! I need to read at least 30,000 more books, go to 20 seminars, become a tibetan monk for 5 years, then study under Mr. Miyagi before I'm ready! There's got to be a different way.
But part of me knows I have to move forward. I have to. To stay where I am is not an option. Yesterday, after visiting with my Great Godparents, I thought a lot about life. in 15 years I'm going to be 42. That scares the crap outta me too. If I'm anywhere near where I am today, I'd feel like I was a failure. At the same time I still have that voice in the back of my head reminding me of every screwup, misstep, or buttfumble from the last 5 years, and sometimes more!
So now my challenge is to move forward. That's all I can do. I can talk to people, I can coach myself up, it doesn't matter. I just need. to. move. forward. Even if its sending personal messages to friends & family.
Okay. That's what I've got for today all. I'll find a way through this.
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